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TOP TEN THINGS THAT MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN
To some people 'marriage' is a word, - to others its a sentence, - a life sentence!
Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the
other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, "You
know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"
The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your own."
Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.
For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.
He took the box to her and asked about the contents.
"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, that's the money I made selling the rest of the doilies."
Frustration is the first time you discover you can't do it the second time. Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first time.
Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat
together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating
the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife,
"Please take the wheel, Dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."
So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where
her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him,
switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."
If a man is in the forest, and there isn't a woman around, is he still wrong?
John: "I'm a man of few words."
Bill: "I'm married, too."
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him,
an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the
The pharmacist answers "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol,
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist:
"We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. ;-)
(OK, it may be poor taste but it made me smile... Lano )
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right." (Guys take note!)
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears himself by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. - Kimberley Broyles
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what am I going to do with the BODY?"
Careful what you wish for : )
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
Here's what actually happened at my wedding ceremony! Enjoy... Lano, the Proprietor of Discount Invitations
My story begins after the Best Man, Groomsmen and I had arrived at the church. We were all standing around in the Vestry wondering how long it was going to take the girls to show up. I looked down, and to my horror, realized that I had slipped on my deck shoes before going out the door. Everyone had a good laugh at my expense and I dispatched my cousin Glenn (one of my groomsmen) back to my house to get my dress shoes. The girls arrived and were informed of the delay (at least it was MY fault now). We waited and waited and waited. It was only 4 minutes to our house but after 20 minutes still no Glenn. He finally arrived, screeching up to the church, delivering me my dress shoes. I slipped them on and everything was ready. We went in to the front of the church and waited for my beautiful bride to come down the aisle. Everything was going just great! We got to the part of the ceremony where Brenda and I were to kneel before the Minister. I helped her kneel, then knelt beside her, our backs to the crowd. As soon as I knelt down, I heard a few hushed whispers in the crowd. Then a few more, and a couple of snickers. I thought "Oh great, I split my pants!" I put the inappropriate noise behind me out of my head and concentrated on the task at hand, marrying the woman I loved! When we moved on to the registry signing, I nonchalantly checked the seam. It was fine, no gaping, underwear revealing, tear. Now I was really confused. There was still quite a buzz happening in the pews. It was only after the ceremony that I was clued in to what had happened, and the reason that Glenn had taken so long. It was because he had trouble finding a bottle of White Out. When I knelt down at the front of the church, there, in large white letters, on the bottom of my black soles, were the words "WHY" and "ME!" One word per shoe. I'll get you Glenn!
Jack was soon going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.
Jack's father said, "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.'"
Jacks father continued, "So, she did and replied, 'These are too big, I can't wear these pants.' So I replied to your mother, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will."'
"Ever since that night we have never had any problems," concluded Jack's father.
"Hmmm," Jack said in reply. He thought his father's suggestion might be a good thing to establish on that day of new beginnings.
So on, his honeymoon Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, "Here, try these on."
So she did and said, "These are too large, Jack. They don't fit me..."
Jack replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack, as she said, "Here, you try on mine!"
As she requested, he tried them. "I can't get into your pants," Jack said with a question in his tone.
Jill replied, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."
A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it does an equally good job of stopping the circulation.
They say love is blind, Well, then, marriage is an institution for the blind! Darlene in Montreal
IF MEN WERE IN CHARGE OF WEDDINGS........
1. There would be a "Rehearsal Kegger" rather than a "Rehearsal Dinner."
2. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jeans cutoffs and halter tops. They would have NO tan lines.
3. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes
would have matching team colors. (My fiance threatened to have
his and his brother's football numbers embroidered on their tuxes!
I threatened to walk out but he said I wouldn't see it until
after we said our
vows so I'd be stuck then!)
4. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs
5. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
6. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar muscle car with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
7. Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.
8. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."
9. There would be "Tailgate Receptions."
10. Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.
11. Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.
12. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. (Those strippers and all that alcohol sure add up!!!)
13. Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.
14. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
15. The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her butt.
16. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.
17. No one would bother with that "Veil Routine." But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.
18. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or something.
19. Invitations would read as follows: Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the ol' ball and chain. He's getting married.
A) knocked her up; B) couldn't get a different roommate; or C) caved in to her ultimatum.
Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at Texas Stadium On the 50 Yard Line at half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at the Clubhouse after the game For beer, nachos and pizza. Oh yeah, BYOB.
Contributed by: Lisa
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,
"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"
Contributed by: Peggy S.
Advice From Men To Women
Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
Please don't drive when you're not driving.
Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!
When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.
When I ask, 'How many guys have you slept with?' It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.
When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.
When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.
The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.
Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
New Words to an old Dylan Song:
How many roads must a man drive down
Before he admits he is lost
Why when a man becomes married is he
unable to find his own socks.
How many times will it take 'til he knows
he has seen the three stooges enough
The answer my friend, I cannot comprehend
The answer, I cannot comprehend
How many shows can a man surf through
before the remote burns out
Why does he think that an intimate gift
is a Dustbuster Plus for the house
How many sounds can a man's body make
before he sleeps on the couch
The answer my friend, is take two aspirin
The answer is take two aspirin
Why when we go for a romantic drive
do we wind up at Builder's Square again
How many nights will he leave the seat up
so I land on cold porcelain
How men really feel is mystery to me
and probably a mystery to them
The answer girlfriend is driving me to gin
The answer is driving me to gin.
Contributed by: Moodyfan
One weekend four married guys went golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place.
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said, 'Don't forget your sweater.'"
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:
1 - Women, and 2 - Fractions.
Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first. -- Billy Sunday
Hey Guys, remember this line, it could come in handy.... "How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie
Harpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. -- Oscar Levant, to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancée
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. -- Anonymous
When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.
There are three great friends: an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. -- Benjamin Franklin
Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop.
Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.
Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or strippers, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.
When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.
Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."
At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that five."
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